January 11th, 2026

I don't like attention because I have a vanity.

I have a strong desire to control how others perceive me.

And not for any ego driven goal of making sure that everyone likes me. I think I'd prefer to be that kind of vain.

It is because I have an internal self-hating critic, and that little shit reviews far to many things I say or do when interacting with people. I can stew over a phrase or a gesture for weeks due to his voice, my voice. Some actions are so criticized by this absolute shithead, that the memory is an invasive watermark on my running thoughts. Sitting as a small, sometimes easily unnoticed, pervasive reminder that I should do better, be better.

Too often that reminder will pull me back in to a scene. Reliving it in an attempt to internally scold me, so I don't duplicate that breech of some alien etiquette. In 49 years I've yet to decipher that unknown code of conduct.

I don't know the rules that my own mind judges me by.