Thursday Nov 6th 2025

I think I've come upon a mental cycle tied to my desire to kill my brain.

I'm 4 days into not having alcohol and generally taking care of myself.

The more present and aware I become the less happy I become. The more I want to destroy my awareness and to become absent.

The society I am surrounded by is full of imaginary shit. Thought up by some dead unimaginative shortsighted and selfish animals centuries before my birth.

What a fucking joke of a world we've created. What a fucking waste us human animals are.

"The problem was you had to keep choosing between one evil or another, and no matter what you chose, they sliced a little more off you, until there was nothing left. At the age of 25 most people were finished. A whole goddamned nation of assholes driving automobiles, eating, having babies, doing everything in the worst way possible, like voting for the presidential candidate who reminded them most of themselves. I had no interests. I had no interest in anything. I had no idea how I was going to escape. At least the others had some taste for life. They seemed to understand something that I didn't understand. Maybe I was lacking. It was possible. I often felt inferior. I just wanted to get away from them. But there was no place to go." -Bukowski